Here’s a headfuck for you.
What you think of as your personality is actually defined by all the things you believe you are not.
Everything you believe you’re not allowed to be, or do, or say, at a conscious or unconscious level, slices off an aspect of your true self, which is what creates the illusion of your separation as an individual. This is our conditioning. Our limiting beliefs.
In fact, this collection of beliefs and concepts, that we mistake as absolute, is all that’s stopping us from experiencing what the mystics might call oneness, or unity consciousness.
This is, naturally, quite a challenging thing to get your head around, especially when we look at all the horrors and atrocities happening in the world today. We couldn’t possibly be capable of such things, could we? Yet it’s an interesting thing to think about, if you consider that nobody in their right mind is walking around deliberately making the worst decisions they can.
We are all doing our best to assimilate all the information available to us, from our relative perspective, to make an informed choice. And we therefore feel justified in our actions because the evidence we have available, however distorted, makes ‘sense’ at the time - even if we might later have regrets, once we gain the context of new information after seeing the consequences.
So if everyone believes they are making the most informed decision they can from their own relative viewpoint, the real question to ask is, “what would it take for me to feel justified in behaving that way?”.
Let’s explore an example.
A man attacks and abuses another man for crying. He calls him weak and pathetic, and spits in his face. On the surface, that’s blatantly cruel and heartless behaviour. But what do you think it would take for him to feel justified in doing so?
If, as a young boy, the abusive man was himself shamed, ridiculed, or beaten for showing emotion, he might build up a shame wound around the idea that “boys don’t cry”. Shame is the deepest, stickiest emotion, and people will do anything to avoid feeling it. If someone pushed the abusive man to a point where he was close to crying, the threat of the shame of doing so could easily push him to the point of attacking the provocateur to get them to stop.
Even if there was no provocation, if the shame runs deep enough, it’s highly likely the man would judge and punish another man showing emotion in the same way he was punished as a child.
This is in no way excusing harmful behaviour but, when we don’t take into consideration the reasons why someone is compelled to act in that way, we can only react to the action rather than responding from deeper understanding. The understanding gives us a chance of holding steady in ourselves and realising that their actions really have nothing to do with us. If we stay focused on the initial action, it’s much more likely that we will absorb more of the emotional hurt and may feel justified in attacking in return, perpetuating the pain.
In the case of the attacker, it’s the story he absorbed about what it means about himself if he cries that needs healing and releasing - because there’s no inherent meaning in showing emotions. They are all a perfectly natural part of the human experience. What he needs is to experience a safe environment where he can explore the possibility that it might not be weak to show emotion, without risk of further shaming. If he can experience that for himself, the shame bind will begin to release and he will integrate another aspect of his whole self.
“Whatever is rejected from the self, appears in the world as an event.”
- Carl Jung
Where this gets really interesting is when you start to realise that you only truly see the traits in others that you don’t accept in yourself - i.e. you judge - positively or negatively. This is what I mean about your denied traits perpetuating the illusion of separation.
For example, if I grew up in a household where success and appearance were praised above all else, there’s a high chance I might judge those who don’t appear to live up to those standards. If I meet a homeless person struggling with addiction it’s possible I might perceive them as useless and worthless, because I’ve learned it’s not ok to be anything other than appear successful. If, however, I have been homeless myself and therefore understand the possible trauma or suffering, or even simply bad luck, that can result in someone finding themselves in that situation, there would be no judgement from me.
Of course, I will still hold judgements around any specific traits or aspects they hold that don’t fit with who I currently believe I am, but the more I can release those concepts of what is or isn’t allowed, the more I will continue to expand and integrate the full spectrum of my true self (it’s the entire universe).
In this way, integration is really the process of bringing all aspects of ourselves that have been relegated to the shadows into conscious awareness, so that they can finally be reclaimed - as we continue on our journey back towards wholeness. We may not get there in this lifetime, but seeking understanding of what stories sit behind our own actions and those of others is one of the most effective ways of helping to free ourselves from the limiting beliefs that are keeping us small.